Spring Rain And Desert Sun
by twent47blue
Summary: This is are for two contests in Deviant Art, one is for Spring Contest and the other is Where is the Love contest. Hope you guys like this simple story. English is not my native tongue so please be gentle.


"You think that the earth revolves around, you, don't you?" I once asked someone in anger.

I have never felt so frustrated, lonely and hurt in my entire life. It is so frustrating because I cannot tell anyone how I feel. Who would have thought of all people I will fall in love with is another man? The situation is far more complicated enough as it is. I cannot voice out my feelings, my longing and my thoughts because it is forbidden. Because the person I have those feelings for is someone that I could never have. Not in this lifetime.

My feelings for him kept changing. Like the season. I remember everything about him with every different times and seasons that I have spent with him in this tiny room.

I did not want to. I would have never done it if I could prevent it. If I could put a stop to my feelings, I would have. If there is only a stop button, or a fast forward, or even a delete. Life and love would have been easier.

At first, he is just someone I looked up to. It was summer, when I first come to realize that love could be as radiant as the sun. And with it, the unpredictable spring rain, raining down on my soul, and the desert sun, love blossomed for me with my editor, a married man.

His name is Jeremy. He is my moon. My only moon. I cannot break away from his gravity, because like the moon's gravitational force, he controls my earth's high tide and low tides, he also controls my emotions just the same.

There is no reason why people love one another. It just happens, no one can predict it, like the unpredictable spring, raining and shinning, and no one can break from it.

I keep this invisible bottle with me. With every memory I have, I would lock it inside along with the rest. Those days that I would get to be with him. Those days that I was so happy that I could burst.

Ounces and ounces of memories, I thought if I put too much it would over flow and spill. I do not want it to spill, like at the same way I do not want it to end.

I do not know if god was playing a cruel joke on me, why he chose me to be the unlikely candidate for this dangerous charade.

The first fall, along with the pumpkin, Halloween and masks, I experienced my first kiss. It was hot and torrid that it almost consumed me.

There was a masquerade ball that night, he insisted that I dressed as one of the twins in Alice In Wonderland, a pair to his twin.

He is very fond of me even though most of the time he is so strict with me. They say he treats me like a younger brother, so who would have thought that things would turn out to be this way. He was always humiliating me and asking if I really think of myself as a writer with all the lousy copies I handed in during deadlines. Despite of his sarcastic tone and hurtful words, and there are times I would end up crying, I never hated him. Nevertheless, even more, it made me strive harder to prove him wrong. And it was during those times that we would always be the last persons at night in that tiny room at the back of the office, along with the books, clippings and files. We would be huddled together there, going through copies, proof reading and editing layouts.

It is unwritten rule with him that he would only work with the person he picks; he does not like other people crowding him in that tiny room. And most of the time, I was the unlikely person. He said at first he was grooming me to step his editor shoes. And I on the other hand, want to fill up those big shoes of his.

That night, before the party started. We were both early. I wanted to check last night's editing. And he was in that same room, doing the same thing. Hands touching by accident. The room is muggy with the stench of old books and unventilated air. But we both knew that it is also, what is going inside our bodies that were making us hot.

He pulled me in a semi embrace, with the pumpkin glowing and smiling at us, the only silent witness to this forbidden tryst, our lips mashed together in uncontrollable emotions that has been building up since last summer.

I thought I would be happy with just that. A searing kiss and a tight embrace. I do not want to wish for more. Because I knew whichever way I turn this, he could never be mine.

But as much as we want it to leave it at that, fate has other plans for us. Stolen kisses, hidden, meaningful looks. I was so high, like a cloud in the sky. The blossoming of the flowers is like our growing forbidden love. I never thought anyone could this be happy. So like the spring equinox, the highlight of my life is this love. This secret love. Even if I have to keep it a secret. I was content. Well, I thought I would be.

I keep filling up that invisible bottle. Almost filling it up to the brim. I was planning to have a new bottle if I get to fill up the first one. So many more memories to fill it up with, I was thinking of getting a whole case of it. My body needs a container for my memories, so I thought this bottle would suffice.

Christmas Eve, during the winter. There was a huge storm. We were on our way home. We were stranded. Snowed in. We found a cheap motel and checked in. The signals for mobile phones were weak, and the lines are down. We were drenched to the skin. I made tiny snowmen by the window glass, watching the continuous snow falling and hearing the howl of the wind outside. Although I looked perfectly calm, inside I was jumping for joy. Because of all people I would be stranded with it would be Jeremy.

No. We did not make love. We did shed off our wet clothes and lay under the covers, holding on to each other to keep us warm. Sharing the blanket, sharing snippets of things about each other. Then a tear fell from my eye. He thought I was hurting somewhere. I told him I was not. It is just that I am so happy that I could not contain myself.

I need to understand his territory now that I am part of it. I often wondered why of all people he picked me to have an affair with, a man. And his warmth and affection would always vanish those insecure thoughts away. Love knows no gender or season, it comes when you least expect it and it affects everyone no matter who you are or what you are. He often say.

He has his own small little space that he wants to stay in. I am not the only one who exists there. But his wife, family and other people that I do not know about. I really wanted to be locked by him in his world.

When he is caressing my body, I feel as thought he is a part of me. His every being is synchronized with mine. He is not just a part, but to me he is my everything. If I lose everything, then it is over.

But I was only human. I got greedy and demanded more. I used myself to keep him. To steal him away. I was beyond reasons; I was running on the false love that I locked myself in. Everyone thought it is simple. But I ran around in circles to get there, since I was so busy suffering from this stupid game called love all this time.

Though it was something I do not want to lose, is it really something that I really want? Just how much I want it. How much do I crave for it? Is it all worth it to steal him away?

I got him. By the heavens. It was summer again, one full year of deception, lies and illusions. I got him. Everyone was whispering behind our backs. But we were so oblivious or we pretended we did not hear. It was a good thing that the wife did not work in the same office.

We were working on a big event. Everyone was so stressed out. Especially Jeremy. He was not sleeping right. Although we have not gone so far as holding each other and kissing, we are connected. It was probably the heat too that got him. He had some mild palpitation. Everyone panicking and running around either trying to lift him up to carry him to the car. Just then, Susan, his wife came. She was on her way to go to him. And I was by the door, not noticing her coming in.

When he called out, which everyone thought he was calling for his wife? "Babe. I need you," He said in a weak but clear voice.

Susan was behind me and was about to step in the room to say she was there, but then he called my name. "Shin." Everything went still, but I didn't care what they were whispering about, I didn't care that they disapprove of me or what I was doing with another man, a married man. I love him. To me that was the only reason I know, the only reason I need. I was about to go to him to reach for his hand, when I heard a sob and a cry, I whirled around and saw her hurt face. Then the world turned black.

Does he have good eyesight? One of our co-workers chided ironically. No, it is bad. One answered. Because or else he must have mistaken Susan for him. No, it is pretty far after all. The first one said, and then noticing me, they both laughed.

It was the same smoldering heat of that one fall afternoon when he said good-bye to me. One last kiss. One last touch. One last embrace. Just once, I wish something nice would happen. Am I asking too much? I guessed I was. My invisible bottle of memories had over flowed, toppled and broke. It shattered into million pieces, the same way my heart did.

Losing him is like losing a part of me. Like severing an arm, gouging out my eyes, cutting out my tongue, ripping away my heart. Losing Jeremy would be that way, because I never wanted to lose him. Because if I did, I can never function again. But I survived. All those different seasons of my life have different meaning now, as each day like the dawn of a new tomorrow. I will find some new meaning, some new memories to connect it with the season.

I have experienced love, the same as the burning heat of the sun during the summer, had gone through the passion of it like the burning candle inside a pumpkin during the fall. And then it turned freezing cold when it ended, freezing like ice like when you touch a snowman during winter.

If he only knew what kind of raging storm he brought inside of my body just by his mere touch, words are nothing compared to the cyclone inside of me. I was his possession, and a brief time, his property and I enjoy every minute that I was his. But he will never know. It would be my secret. And mine alone.

The End


End file.
